I had a dream last night. One of those that feel… somehow important, because they don’t fade after you wake up. I always dream of him when big changes occur in my life. When I first met him I didn’t know that his image will get stuck in my brain as a form of a spiritual messenger. He was more of a tutor to me than a friend or a partner. He made me believe in my capabilities and talents, he urged me to follow my passion for astrology and this is how it all began. How my channel began and how I started to shoot videos. It was because someone believed in me and told me „You should give it a shot, because I can see that you enjoy it“. So I did. And I did enjoy it, I enjoy it still, nine years later. The person that I was at the time we met is almost the polar opposite of the person that I am right now and I thought about that as I was waking up, because of what he said to me. In the dream he walked up to me and told me „You did it, you’re ready. You have financial, physical and emotional stability and those were your goals“. I didn’t know what I was ready for, I didn’t know why I had those goals, who gave them to me, but my Ascendant – Descendant axis might have something to do with it, I figured. Since I ventured on this quest for art and knowledge things worked out pretty nicely. I was shooting videos, writing books, articles, I was a part of seminars, I was giving lectures in astrology. I was building a following and gaining popularity and the Capricorn side of me was content. I thought the Cancer part of me was happy too, because throughout all of those years of work and growth I had someone by my side. I was sixteen when I had my first serious relationship and I’ve never been alone since. I’ve never had a partner that I haven’t lived with. Always at my place or on a „roommate“ basis. I’ve never had a long-distance relationship or a period of more than two months of not seeing eachother. We’ve never had separate lives. Also, I’ve never had a gap between relationships. I was a love addict for sure. But the universe saw me struggling to find emotional balance. I couldn’t find it in my relationships, because my sensitivity attracted sensitive people. My confusion attracted confusion. My emotional immaturity attracted childish behavior. My victim attracted saviours, who needed me to feel needed, which made them victims too. I had to deal with my demons and it was only one actually – Fear. Fear of rejection due to not being good enough. Fear of emotional abuse. Fear of abandonment. How was I to survive alone? What was my purpose if not trying to be the perfect partner and living for love? Everything in my head was dual. All of my plans, hopes and dreams involved two people. My success is our success. If I travel – we travel, everything should be done together. My home is your home. My food is your food. My money is your money. Everything I learned I had to share with you. Everything that made me laugh I had to show you so we can laugh together. Everything that made me sad and scared made me want to open up to you so you could hold my hand until my tears stopped and I fell asleep. If you were happy, I was happy, but if you weren’t happy… and I couldn’t help you… that’s where the nightmare began. I could never distance myself from other people’s emotions, especially the ones of the people I love. Whenever they felt a negative emotion I would feel it too and they knew it and felt that the best way to look out for me… was to stay away from me if they’re not happy. And that made them feel alone and rejected. And because we were the same, I felt the same way, because when they were sad and I tried my best to not let it show that I instantly get sucked into a spiral that leads to hell, instead of making them feel safe to feel emotions in front of me, they accused me of not caring enough. When in reality I cared too much and I wanted to do the right thing, because I know that the right thing is just to be strong and empathize, but not suffer together. I wanted to be a rock, I wanted to be a steady boat in the stormy sea, but I couldn’t. Not for them. Not for me. And then I realized what was the problem. The problem was that I expected them to care for me and they expected me to care for them. And we could do that for the most part, but in those few moments every once in a while in which we needed something more than what the other person offered, we felt alone and like nobody understood us. When everything fell apart in August I felt like I was going to die. No, let me rephrase that. I was sure I was going to die, because I wasn’t ending a 4-year relationship, I was ending a 15-year codependency pattern. What is the codependent’s worst nightmare? Being abandoned. That’s what happened. It was so bad that I almost jumped in another relationship, absolutely delusional that it might be what I was waiting for „all along“. This happened a couple of times actually. But throughout the emotional turmoil and clouded judgement I still managed to have self-control and I didn’t let my inner child cling onto yet another person, just to keep afloat. You see, the Saturn return is not just an astrological checkpoint. It’s also a development checkpoint and at this age humans start to use their prefrontal cortex instead of emotionally responding through the amygdala. If I was emotionally responding I would have been in another relationship right now, still in the „rose-colored-glasses-stage“, not very long after which the same problems would resurface. Because when you have repeating patterns, the solution is not finding the „perfect one“, it’s… becoming the perfect one. Statistics show that most marriages end up in divorce and second and third marriages often suffer the same fate. And I can assure you, this is not due to a lack of love, bad karma, lack of knowledge, effort or compatibility issues, it’s all due to the understanding that the other person has to care for your needs moreso than they care for their own. People make a huge mistake when at the end of a relationship they tell themselves „I have to strive to be better, more perfect, more flawless, so they won’t leave me“ or „I will have more requirements in the next relationship, I won’t settle for less anymore!“ or both. You have to understand that striving for perfection is futile and kills your inner being. And these requirements that we have and put on others to fulfill are actually the requirements of our inner child. And in the best case scenario – Yes, you WILL find a person that meets every single one of your needs, but as amazing as that sounds… and feels… because I experienced that, it’s no joy ride. Because then you will be reminded of your mortality and most of all – their mortality, daily. By your sweet, sweet brain. So in the best case scenario you have to live with the fear that someone or something (death) will take your perfect soulmate away. Is it worth it? I had a client a couple of years back that came to my office and told me she had a really big problem. I asked her what it was and she told me „My life is perfect in every way possible and I am scared, I am constantly scared I will lose this perfect life – my perfect job, my perfect husband, my perfect child, my perfect home. If that happens I will die.“ By all standards she should have been the happiest person alive, but instead she was petrified and anxious from the idea of losing paradise and all that made her not able to fully enjoy it. I told her that she has to begin to live as if she had lost all those things already and try to live a life that is not dependent on things and people she has no control over. It’s been going better, because she confronted her fear and took care of herself even when she had someone to take care of her. Remembering her story made me remind myself that I should follow my own advice. No more enmeshment and emulating, no more self and outer judgement, no more expectations of anything or anyone else to be all that I need. As I began to do that, I started to feel like I was finally growing up emotionally. I was finally parenting, instead of waiting for another person to parent my inner child. Finally letting go of the guilt that I could not parent someone else’s child, because it’s an endless void that only they could fill and I could only make worse by trying to fill. I never felt so weak in my life as I did in the beginning of this period. Because I never learned how to care for my physical body and emotional battery. How to protect myself. How to be resilient and persistent, yet nurturing in difficult situations. How to self-soothe. How to make myself laugh. How to talk kindly to myself – I always expected the compliments to come from the other person, since I only had bad things to say to myself. And most of all, I had to learn how to not walk away from my feelings and stay there with them and hold my own hand until the tears stopped and I fell asleep. It took me months to get to where I am and I still have a long, long way to go, but… I’m cooking for myself. Cooking was always something I did for others. If I’m alone I wouldn’t bother. But now I’m doing it with the precision and attention to detail that I’ll only care for if I had a partner to serve the meal to. And guess what, food was my love language, but never my partner’s, they couldn’t care less what was in the plate or how it looked or was it healthy or not. And I used to get sad when they wouldn’t appreciate it, but it was never their job to meet this need. It was my need – it was my responsibility. I had to enjoy every bite, not them, they had to be free to act however they want. As I began to enjoy food and even cook deserts for myself, I moved forward to traveling. Traveling to beautiful destinations and listening to music and enjoying life, without having someone on the seat next to me, or even a friend on the phone (friendships can get codependent too). I started dancing and working out every morning. I created routines that I follow, that ground me. I create music, I sing and play, no longer asking others to play for me. And I’m working again, even though I thought that I will no longer be able to, because I was so weak and I felt like I had nothing to give. Like I was empty and could share only darkness with the world. A lot of things are still difficult for me, some words, sounds, songs, sights and places feel extremely triggering, but I’m patient with myself. There’s a lot of pain that still lives inside, but even when the clouds gather up above my head, the relationship I built with myself finds an umbrella and manages to keep me dry and warm. And this is how I know that nothing in this world is coincidental, it’s all perfectly tuned and timed. I needed this. And I believe that’s also the reason why this person from my past came into my dream and told me that I was ready. I do feel ready. Ready to just continue giving myself the love I need and require and no longer projecting fantasies onto another person, setting him up for failure. I too will no longer be an object of fantasies, getting overly idealized, only to be rejected later on when reality peeks through. A relationship is not defined by the love that is given, but by the ability to create love inside and to see through the eyes of love. I read somewhere today that people usually think that the grass is greener on the other side, but the truth is that the grass is greener where it’s watered. And when I read that, I thought to myself „People might think that this means they have to water the relationship that they are in right now and give and give and give…“, but I don’t think that’s the message. Because sometimes the more you give, the more the other one takes and starts taking you for granted. Conversely the more they give to you, the more you forget how special the things they give to you are. So let’s just focus on the main relationship in your life – the one you have with your inner child and let this inner child be a flower in your garden that you never forget to water and in that way you can never hold someone else accountable if it goes dry. You are born in a singular body and that’s your home for your entire lifetime. Please do care for it. And love it. That way you’ll teach others how to feel complete too. Your Spark and your Shining Heart will Light up the World.

 

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